Rant #1

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A Brief Rant on Workplace Social Obligations


Fuck Your Cigarette Break!


Ok I’ll preface this with saying I have a lot of bad habits. I freely admit to being the one who leaves the toilet seat up (aw come on ladies, how hard is it to use you finger to flip the fucker back down?). I proudly make crude and inappropriate jokes at the worst possible time. I’m chronically crabby, I forget to brush my teeth sometimes, I pick my nose, I’m messy, I verbally abuse my pets, I masturbate like it’s going to be outlawed in a week, and I never comb my hair.


I have a lot of bad habits.


But it is a rarity that my bad habits will annoy people for hours at a time (okay maybe the crabbiness thing) and to such an extent that they cannot see straight. As a dedicated (but compassionate) non-smoker I would like to point out a few thing I am not going to gripe about.


I’m not going to tell you the heath risks involved in a life time of smoking, you should know them by now.

I’m not going to bash you for smoking in restaurants and bars, that’s what they have the non-smoking section.


I’m not even going to go off on how irritating it is that all the players in my D&D group just up and leave in the middle of the game 20 times a night to drive a coffin nail. It’s your leisure time so waste it however you like.


What I am going to gripe about is the inconsiderate FUCKS in the workplace who casually tell me they are going to have a cigarette. Okay actually what they tend to say is something closer to “Shit man my nerves are shot! I need a smoke.”


OH really? Need it, do you? Is there insulin in there? Do you derive life-giving nourishment from burning weeds and tar? Is the filter loaded with breast milk?


The upshot of it turns out to be that they take a 10 minute break (or longer) and leave me holding the bag and stuck doing all the work, AND I HATE THAT! I am one of the laziest mother-fuckers in the world when it comes to my job (whatever it may be) ask anyone. They will say “Terance sure does hate to be here, I mean that kid should go on welfare he’s so lazy”.  SO when you leave a lazy person to do all the work you’re only going to get one thing out of it, an angry, busy lazy person.


Ask yourself, am I this Jerk? When I come back from my forays into cancerland are my fellow employees looking at me like they wanna rip off my head and shit right down into my tar-encrusted lungs? Is my personal weakness really making me a worse person? What the heck do I do at this job again? In other words ask yourself, Am I this Asshole?


Do these people not realize what kind of unabashed jerks they are? Can they not tell that taking several unscheduled breaks in the middle of a shift using the “World’s Flimsiest Excuse ™” might be a little rude? Are they unaware that they deserve to be tied in a burlap sack and beaten against a brick wall until all of their bones have shattered and their guts and blood have painted the sidewalk red?!


Apparently not.


Let me be the one to tell you, chronic smoke-breaker. How bout a little common courtesy from time to time? It’s not for my sake, but for the sake of all the pukes who are to passive to argue with you and tell you “The Fuck You Are” when you say you are going outside for a smoke. (Don’t worry I have a lot to say about the passive little twats of the world, but that’s another rant for another day)


Personally I have instilled a time wasting exchange rate. For every break a smoker takes I mark the time out in my head (adjusting for how busy I was while they were gone) and take a little break of my own… to do fuck-all.  Sometimes I go to the restroom and check my hair and teeth for ten minutes. Sometimes I take a bit of extra time to eat my lunch. Sometimes I sit on my ass and do absolutely nothing right in front of them, and when they ask me “What the hell are you doing? I need some help.” I simply say…


“I’m on a smoke break, fuck you.”




HATE keeps me young.